The streak had to end at some point. Last night, for the first time in a good work-week, I did something other than sit at home. I had 3 of my compatriots over for cards and general revelry last night. So, technically, I didn't leave the house, but I did engage in activity. So I think it's fair to say that the streak is really over. Plus, I don't really care about the streak anyway. Records are lame and are just made to be broken anyway.
I think it's fair for me to introduce the cast of characters first. Of course you've got me, the high school guy who has a bunch of college friends, and has a goatee. That's basically all you need to know. Stephen arrived next, and he's your typical short guy, which basically means that he can't ride as many carnival rides as us normal folks. Tom and Zach got lost on the way to my house, and were arguing like an old married couple while I tried to give them directions over the phone. This is amusing because they actually are roommates, and also because I'm going to live with them next year. The good news is that three people can't be married, so I think I'm safe.
After a quick game of Spades in which Tom and I got served, we decided on a whim to play the game of Life. This game hadn't been pulled out of it's box since at least 1998, only 13 years after it's original date of manufacture! I discovered that Life is perhaps the most ironic game on the face of the Earth. Tom and I ended up with careers as journalists, earning a mediocre salary and sleeping in the backs of cars. We still fared better than Zach, who got one of those "liberal arts degrees" and Stephen, who was working at McDonald's. All went for the best, though, as Tom and I quickly inherited money and/or discovered uranium. Stephen was living the hard life with his limited salary and propensity for buying horses and houses and whatnot. Stephen discovered that one could gamble on the spinning of the wheel, and quickly became an addict. He piled up a huge debt but somehow managed to pay it all off, possibly through prostitution. Zach was the enigma, somehow not making money and landing on all of the "pay" spaces, yet he managed to stay out of debt.
I thought I had a great chance to win, but then I realized that kids were worth money and that I was shooting blanks. I still amassed a net worth of 2.4 million, only to succomb to Tom's 2.5 million. Unfortunately, Zach managed to beat us all when he went for broke and bet it all on a number. I'm still not sure how he won.
So what does this game say about society? First off, if you want to get rich, journalism is totally the way to go. Also, it doesn't hurt to discover uranium. Secondly, poor people (i.e. Stephen) really do have gambling problems and just generally suck at managing money. However, the most important lesson is that the middle class guy with 4 bosses (Zach) will somehow kick the crap out of all of us someday. I haven't gotten to that part in my life yet, so it's difficult to predict how that's all going to play out.
You can call us losers if you want, but the game of Life is definitely going down with us to Auburn next year, so that we can crush the dreams of as many of our friends as humanly possible!
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Friday, March 24, 2006
5 Days of Pure Fun
It's official: I have now officially sat at home for 5 straight days. Okay, technically it's 5 nights, but that's the real point anyway. If it wasn't for basketball on TV, I would likely have gone insane by now, but instead I'm just incredibly bored. There have at least been some incredible basketball games on, with Boston College-Villanova at the forefront in my mind. It's amusing to hear how many ways the announcers can refer to the ball. I heard one say that a team needed to do a better job of "squeezing the orange" tonight, and it took me a good five minutes to figure out that he was referring to holding onto the ball. These guys are brilliant. I also got to see Greg Gumbel rip on Clark Kellogg not once, but twice, for saying that a team had not "shotten" the ball well. It's not uncommon for guys to rip on their buddies in front of each other, but on national TV? That takes some serious testicular fortitude.
A friend and I went for a basketball tune-up at our local gym today, and for once the public facility was actually open to the public. I find it maddening that the place closes every day at 3 o'clock, precisely the time we get out of school. Usually, even when they are open they have some stupid garbage going on there like dog shows. I just love how public facilities are always open to the public. On an equally unexciting note, my body's exercise age is still hovering strong at 54. Now my back has gotten in on the action with my legs. I can only hope that I will somehow miraculously develop both endurance and an immunity to pain before intramurals start.
There are many reasons why I like to make fun of south Alabama. Mostly it's because I live in Alabama to begin with, and everybody needs somebody to make fun of (although Mississippi does a good job of filling that void most of the time.) However, this video just confirms all of my negative stereotypes about our neighbors to the south. These morons apparently think that there is a leprechaun in their town. I have a problem with this. A leprechaun would never come to Alabama, possibly the least friendly place on earth for short Irish people with red hair. If I was a leprechaun, I would probably go somewhere like Notre Dame, or, duh, Ireland. Unless the leprechauns are really just trying to take over the world by planting themselves in rural southern towns. Yeah, that sounds reasonable enough. Did I mention that leprechauns also DON'T EXIST??? I tend to agree with the wise old woman in the video, that the leprechaun is in fact just a crackhead.
Well, I'm about to go to sleep at 11:00 on a Friday night. This is a frightening and new experience for me. I hope I never have to do it again...
A friend and I went for a basketball tune-up at our local gym today, and for once the public facility was actually open to the public. I find it maddening that the place closes every day at 3 o'clock, precisely the time we get out of school. Usually, even when they are open they have some stupid garbage going on there like dog shows. I just love how public facilities are always open to the public. On an equally unexciting note, my body's exercise age is still hovering strong at 54. Now my back has gotten in on the action with my legs. I can only hope that I will somehow miraculously develop both endurance and an immunity to pain before intramurals start.
There are many reasons why I like to make fun of south Alabama. Mostly it's because I live in Alabama to begin with, and everybody needs somebody to make fun of (although Mississippi does a good job of filling that void most of the time.) However, this video just confirms all of my negative stereotypes about our neighbors to the south. These morons apparently think that there is a leprechaun in their town. I have a problem with this. A leprechaun would never come to Alabama, possibly the least friendly place on earth for short Irish people with red hair. If I was a leprechaun, I would probably go somewhere like Notre Dame, or, duh, Ireland. Unless the leprechauns are really just trying to take over the world by planting themselves in rural southern towns. Yeah, that sounds reasonable enough. Did I mention that leprechauns also DON'T EXIST??? I tend to agree with the wise old woman in the video, that the leprechaun is in fact just a crackhead.
Well, I'm about to go to sleep at 11:00 on a Friday night. This is a frightening and new experience for me. I hope I never have to do it again...
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Big Chicken
I saw something on TV tonight that I think ranks right up there as one of the funniest things of all time. It's called the "Big Buckin Chicken," and I think it's some sort of advertisement for Burger King. Go watch it now. What does the fact that I think this is funny say about me? I'm slightly worried.
Today marks the 4th day that I have managed to sit at home and not have a life. It's almost become a game now, trying to see how long I can stave off human contact. I wrote a bunch of letters today to send out to engineering firms that probably won't hire me as an intern this summer, but I did finally learn the mysteries of mail merge on Microsoft Word. I love how they took something seemingly simple and turned it into a 450 step process. We have an industry term for that - it's called user friendliness.
I took my first bike ride in about two weeks this morning, and I have a couple of complaints. Apparently mother nature didn't get the memo that it's Spring Break and also the fourth week of March. At the time of my ride this morning, the outside temperature was a brisk 41 degrees. I shouldn't have to wear a heavy jacket, gloves, and one of those gay knit hats to take a bike ride. That's just plain communist. I'm also incredibly out of shape, even after just two weeks. I like to think that your body has two ages - your actual age and your exercise age. My exercise age is sitting at right about 54 right now. My legs feel like someone beat them with a hammer repeatedly for twenty minutes. This is not a good thing, considering that intramurals start on Tuesday. You should all look forward to reading about the band team's impending doom. It's going to be grand.
Speaking of intramurals, I went and shot some basketball this afternoon. That was a big mistake. I might have hit 20 percent of my shots, and that's being generous. I started blaming it on stuff like the wind and the 40 degree temperatures, but I think it might actually be the fact that I'm not black. Did anyone else watch J.J. Redick suck it up tonight? There goes my hopes of white people ever being able to be good at basketball again. I promise I'm not racist, I'm just realistic. There's a huge difference.
Well, here's to seeing if I can make it 5 straight days without fun tomorrow. I'm seriously close to rolling coins...
Today marks the 4th day that I have managed to sit at home and not have a life. It's almost become a game now, trying to see how long I can stave off human contact. I wrote a bunch of letters today to send out to engineering firms that probably won't hire me as an intern this summer, but I did finally learn the mysteries of mail merge on Microsoft Word. I love how they took something seemingly simple and turned it into a 450 step process. We have an industry term for that - it's called user friendliness.
I took my first bike ride in about two weeks this morning, and I have a couple of complaints. Apparently mother nature didn't get the memo that it's Spring Break and also the fourth week of March. At the time of my ride this morning, the outside temperature was a brisk 41 degrees. I shouldn't have to wear a heavy jacket, gloves, and one of those gay knit hats to take a bike ride. That's just plain communist. I'm also incredibly out of shape, even after just two weeks. I like to think that your body has two ages - your actual age and your exercise age. My exercise age is sitting at right about 54 right now. My legs feel like someone beat them with a hammer repeatedly for twenty minutes. This is not a good thing, considering that intramurals start on Tuesday. You should all look forward to reading about the band team's impending doom. It's going to be grand.
Speaking of intramurals, I went and shot some basketball this afternoon. That was a big mistake. I might have hit 20 percent of my shots, and that's being generous. I started blaming it on stuff like the wind and the 40 degree temperatures, but I think it might actually be the fact that I'm not black. Did anyone else watch J.J. Redick suck it up tonight? There goes my hopes of white people ever being able to be good at basketball again. I promise I'm not racist, I'm just realistic. There's a huge difference.
Well, here's to seeing if I can make it 5 straight days without fun tomorrow. I'm seriously close to rolling coins...
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Mulching It
My parents dragged me out of bed this morning at the ungodly hour of 11 AM to help them spread mulch outside. Needless to say, this was the first thing on my list of fun spring break activities. This year's edition of mulch-spreading was a lot more fun than usual, since we switched to a new kind. We now have red mulch instead of standard mulch-colored mulch. I'm still trying to figure out what kind of difference it makes.
This marks the 3rd consecutive day of spring break that I have failed to do anything. Sitting on my butt at home is starting to get old. I wish all of my friends didn't have "lives," and that they would be open to hanging out with their vacationally-challenged buddies. Alas, I have resorted to typing a blog entry to amuse myself.
My parents did take me out to dinner tonight, which is always nice. The original plan was to go to Copeland's, home of the best steak I have ever had. Unfortunately, nobody else seemed to agree with me, and Copeland's is now no longer in business. Thus, we ended up going to this Italian restaurant I had never heard of. The food was pretty good. I had veal, mostly because I like the thought of killing baby cows, but also because it tastes good. I found it most amusing that the waiters who were supposed to be Italian guys were using epithets like "y'all", but I guess that's just the kind of stuff that makes the South fun.
Now I must be off on my quest to find a way to get out of the house, before I decide to start rolling coins for fun...
This marks the 3rd consecutive day of spring break that I have failed to do anything. Sitting on my butt at home is starting to get old. I wish all of my friends didn't have "lives," and that they would be open to hanging out with their vacationally-challenged buddies. Alas, I have resorted to typing a blog entry to amuse myself.
My parents did take me out to dinner tonight, which is always nice. The original plan was to go to Copeland's, home of the best steak I have ever had. Unfortunately, nobody else seemed to agree with me, and Copeland's is now no longer in business. Thus, we ended up going to this Italian restaurant I had never heard of. The food was pretty good. I had veal, mostly because I like the thought of killing baby cows, but also because it tastes good. I found it most amusing that the waiters who were supposed to be Italian guys were using epithets like "y'all", but I guess that's just the kind of stuff that makes the South fun.
Now I must be off on my quest to find a way to get out of the house, before I decide to start rolling coins for fun...
New Site = Tasty Goodness
Some of you may remember reading idiotic ramblings in a school newspaper at some point in your life. Well, I write just such articles for The Raider's Digest, the Decatur High School newspaper. They are witty, emotionally powerful, and perhaps the greatest pieces of literature America has even encountered. However, I only get to publish my social commentaries on an infrequent basis, thus I think it would be beneficial to society if there was a way for me to float my thoughts more often. What's this? Blogger would allow me to communicate with you, the general morons ..err.. public, instantaneously. I think this is going to be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
So let's dive right into it. I'm sitting here typing this while listening to a live internet stream of public radio classical music. Does that make me a bad person? Let me give you several reasons why I don't think so. First, Classical music is infinitely better than rap, because I have never heard of a piece of classical music that involved killing bitches. Second, the voices of the people that host these shows are perhaps the most soothing sounds on the face of the Earth. It's everything I can do to stay awake right now, although that might be since it's 12:07 in the morning. Finally, where else can you hear a harpsichord? Do you even know what that is? What is the purpose of a harpsichord? Was the piano just not good enough? Okay, I'm done.
I've decided that my family has a religious aversion to vacations. I calculated yesterday and realized that I haven't been to the beach in at least 7 years. That's a long time, considering it's only 6 hours away. At this point, my parents are a lot more excited about putting away every cent they can for retirement than taking a trip to the beach. I think I will be able to totally understand that when I'm in my fifties. Maybe not going on vacation is a good thing. Family vacations are perhaps the most awkward thing on the face of the earth. You'd think that it wouldn't be that hard to spend time with people you live with all the time. However, when you're shut in a hotel room with them for a week, that delicate family balance quickly descends into an argument over someone rolling around too much and making too much noise for others to be able to sleep. I think I'm glad I'm bored out of my mind at home.
Finally, I think I can officially claim the title of cult hero at this point. I am now known the world over for my unusual and utterly useless talent. I went over to a friend's house to study the other night and his whole family ended up sitting and staring at me while I played my face. The friend's sister told me it was the coolest thing she had ever seen. Earlier that evening, I had gone to my former middle school to watch the school play that my mother was directing. Several current students saw me and immediately recognized me as "that face-slapping guy." Mind you, these aren't even people who saw me in the talent show. I'm not sure if being famous for hitting yourself in the face is a good thing, but it sure is damn funny. I'm still trying to figure out if I can turn this into a career. Unfortunately, right now the Magic 8-Ball of Life is saying something along the lines of "You are a stupid idiot. You can't slap yourself in the face and make money. Go cry in the corner." Thus, I shall go do precisely that...
So let's dive right into it. I'm sitting here typing this while listening to a live internet stream of public radio classical music. Does that make me a bad person? Let me give you several reasons why I don't think so. First, Classical music is infinitely better than rap, because I have never heard of a piece of classical music that involved killing bitches. Second, the voices of the people that host these shows are perhaps the most soothing sounds on the face of the Earth. It's everything I can do to stay awake right now, although that might be since it's 12:07 in the morning. Finally, where else can you hear a harpsichord? Do you even know what that is? What is the purpose of a harpsichord? Was the piano just not good enough? Okay, I'm done.
I've decided that my family has a religious aversion to vacations. I calculated yesterday and realized that I haven't been to the beach in at least 7 years. That's a long time, considering it's only 6 hours away. At this point, my parents are a lot more excited about putting away every cent they can for retirement than taking a trip to the beach. I think I will be able to totally understand that when I'm in my fifties. Maybe not going on vacation is a good thing. Family vacations are perhaps the most awkward thing on the face of the earth. You'd think that it wouldn't be that hard to spend time with people you live with all the time. However, when you're shut in a hotel room with them for a week, that delicate family balance quickly descends into an argument over someone rolling around too much and making too much noise for others to be able to sleep. I think I'm glad I'm bored out of my mind at home.
Finally, I think I can officially claim the title of cult hero at this point. I am now known the world over for my unusual and utterly useless talent. I went over to a friend's house to study the other night and his whole family ended up sitting and staring at me while I played my face. The friend's sister told me it was the coolest thing she had ever seen. Earlier that evening, I had gone to my former middle school to watch the school play that my mother was directing. Several current students saw me and immediately recognized me as "that face-slapping guy." Mind you, these aren't even people who saw me in the talent show. I'm not sure if being famous for hitting yourself in the face is a good thing, but it sure is damn funny. I'm still trying to figure out if I can turn this into a career. Unfortunately, right now the Magic 8-Ball of Life is saying something along the lines of "You are a stupid idiot. You can't slap yourself in the face and make money. Go cry in the corner." Thus, I shall go do precisely that...
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