I try to be an objective person. I pride myself on not really showing a whole lot of emotion, instead thinking about stuff logically. Unfortunately, I've had a lot of free time lately, which means I've been watching TV. I watched about 4 straight hours of Law and Order: SVU last night. Apparently I'm the last person on Earth to discover this show. Let me preface all of this by saying that I rarely watch TV, and if I do, it's mostly to watch things like the Colbert Report, so that I can have my cynisarcasm container (my brain) refilled. Unfortunately, while watching Law and Order I actually felt myself becoming emotionally involved with the characters. At one point I found myself talking out loud to the bad guy and telling him how much of a person born from unwed parentage he was. That was simply unacceptable.
I've always laughed at folks who are enslaved by the TV. Apparently there is this show called "The OC" that has roughly the same chemical composition as crack cocaine. I've never watched it, because I don't want it to be my gateway drug. Anyhow, people talk about these characters as if they are real people that they actually know. That's kinda disturbing to me. I mean, sometimes I like to talk about Coach Mose and his wisdom, but he's a real guy. In fact, he's more than a real guy, he's a legend. But I digress. I tried everything to get my feelings of sympathy to go away. I took a 15 minute bathroom break. I scavenged some month old tortilla chips from the pantry. I even tried to recite sexist Anchorman quotes. Nothing worked. I guess I might have a heart after all. We can't all be perfect.
I've been introduced to a couple of web wonders lately. First off, we all know that Chuck Norris is the man. Maybe not as much as Coach Mose, but pretty darn close. This site (refresh to continue enjoyment) is a collection of known facts about the man, the machine, the Texas Ranger. Just remember, as a friend of mine, John Paul, said, "Chuck Norris doesn't kill you. He kills your family. You kill yourself." That pretty much sums it up. Strangely enough, my sister sent me an email that contained this link. Apparently these are PTA moms that got out of control. Why wasn't open house ever like this at my schools?
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Monday, April 24, 2006
Band Team = Almost Respectable
Ladies and gentlemen, my brief career as a member of the band intramural team has drawn to a close. I know this is disappointing, and that you all feel like I still had so much to give. However, I learned an important lesson from Michael Jordan, and that is that you should retire when you're on top. Since that isn't an option for me, I'm just going to retire when I'm farthest from the bottom.
The band team's tour de force performance this morning was one that will surely go down in history. We only lost by four points, and led for a good portion of the game. If we could have figured out how to strategically foul at the end of the game we might have won. It's of no consequence really. We proved our point: that we could hang with actual athletes. I'm figuring that Disney will be calling about the movie rights by the end of the week.
Even more exciting to me, however, is the fact that I finally perfected the ghetto shower today. In its infinite cheapness, Decatur High neglected to build showers in the locker rooms, thus trying to get clean after intramurals has been a real joke. I'm no stranger to bathroom complaints (i.e. lack of paper towels), but I'd be lying if I said that I'd lost sleep over this. Yeah, re-read that one again. Anyway, my compatriots and I had developed a method of cleaning involving paper towels and the bathroom sinks that was mildly effective and made me pine for those middle school PE days all over again. Unfortunately, recycled paper towels generally suck at moisture absorption. I busted out the Ghetto Shower 2.0 today. Armed with 2 washclothes and liquid soap I kept it real on my upper body. Unfortunately, all I have to show for it is the herpes from that nasty sink.
I've found yet another website of a Myspace hater. You can view it here. The ironic thing to me is that this guy who claims to be too good for Myspace obviously spent a good deal of time debunking it. Many of this guy's points are true, but he is obviously a closet goth (did I just invent that?) Upon further review of this guy's Myspace profile it is evident to me that this guy has absolutely no right to make fun of ANYBODY. First of all, he's from California and goes to school at this place called Vassar College. That's two strikes right there. Strikes 3-12 are all from one fatal mistake. Go look at the rest of this joker's pictures and check out number two. I don't even need to say anything else.
The band team's tour de force performance this morning was one that will surely go down in history. We only lost by four points, and led for a good portion of the game. If we could have figured out how to strategically foul at the end of the game we might have won. It's of no consequence really. We proved our point: that we could hang with actual athletes. I'm figuring that Disney will be calling about the movie rights by the end of the week.
Even more exciting to me, however, is the fact that I finally perfected the ghetto shower today. In its infinite cheapness, Decatur High neglected to build showers in the locker rooms, thus trying to get clean after intramurals has been a real joke. I'm no stranger to bathroom complaints (i.e. lack of paper towels), but I'd be lying if I said that I'd lost sleep over this. Yeah, re-read that one again. Anyway, my compatriots and I had developed a method of cleaning involving paper towels and the bathroom sinks that was mildly effective and made me pine for those middle school PE days all over again. Unfortunately, recycled paper towels generally suck at moisture absorption. I busted out the Ghetto Shower 2.0 today. Armed with 2 washclothes and liquid soap I kept it real on my upper body. Unfortunately, all I have to show for it is the herpes from that nasty sink.
I've found yet another website of a Myspace hater. You can view it here. The ironic thing to me is that this guy who claims to be too good for Myspace obviously spent a good deal of time debunking it. Many of this guy's points are true, but he is obviously a closet goth (did I just invent that?) Upon further review of this guy's Myspace profile it is evident to me that this guy has absolutely no right to make fun of ANYBODY. First of all, he's from California and goes to school at this place called Vassar College. That's two strikes right there. Strikes 3-12 are all from one fatal mistake. Go look at the rest of this joker's pictures and check out number two. I don't even need to say anything else.
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Intramural Half-Success
I'm officially reclaiming all pride that I once lost while slapping my face on stage. I think I have a legal right to do this, because the band team scored 29 points in our intramural basketball game yesterday. Who cares that the other team scored 61. That's of no importance. Somehow, 16 points managed to drop for me. I think it was mostly because I was playing like Allen Iverson, only without tattoos and blackness, and with a propensity for listening to classical music. Other than that we're basically the same guy. Needless to say, yesterday was a moral victory for us, and it's probably as close as we're going to get to a win.
I was waiting in the checkout line at K-Mart a few days ago in order to purchase a birthday card for my mother. I was hoping to get in and out very quickly. Unfortunately, as is my usual retail luck, I got stuck behind a moron. This idiot decided to purchase a $1.49 bag of plastic Easter eggs. Okay, that's cool, Easter's on Sunday. However, the item was marked 25% off and did not scan as such. Thus, the woman threw a fit and decided that she had to get her measly 37 CENT discount. The cashier had to call 3 different "managers" over to fix the problem. By my watch, I had to wait in line for 9 1/2 frigging minutes to buy a birthday card. Afterwards, I tried to brainstorm things that I could buy for 37 cents. So far, I haven't come up with anything. I hope the government somehow manages to raise taxes to the effect that the woman will lose her 37 cents.
My internet homepage is one of those customizable gigs from Google. Everybody should get one of these things, since they are pretty much the greatest thing of all time. Mine tells me useful stuff like the weather, top news stories, and how many days I have left until I graduate. It also contains all my bookmarks, a word (or three) of the day, and a quote of the day. However, the best feature by far is the "How to's" that are posted each day. They come from this thing called Wikihow, which is somehow related to Wikipedia, one of my favorite time-wasters. Anyhow, there was a "how to" on my homepage the other day that really piqued my interest. It's title: "How to defeat a MySpace Addiction." I've been a MySpace user for a number of months now, mostly because I find it humorous to read others' profiles and laugh at them. Wow, that really makes me sound like a bad person. Some of my friends have told me that MySpace is only for emo people, but I don't think that's true. There's also a lot of lesbians, as evidenced by that hottest profile thing they do. According to my less knowledgeable friends, Facebook is the place to be. I have one of those too, but haven't found an article yet on how to defeat my addiction to it. I don't think I'm really addicted though. I usually only check them once or twice a day, and I actually know most of the people I'm friends with. So eat that, you virtual friend community dissenters!
And with that, I'm off to check my email (for the 43rd time today).
I was waiting in the checkout line at K-Mart a few days ago in order to purchase a birthday card for my mother. I was hoping to get in and out very quickly. Unfortunately, as is my usual retail luck, I got stuck behind a moron. This idiot decided to purchase a $1.49 bag of plastic Easter eggs. Okay, that's cool, Easter's on Sunday. However, the item was marked 25% off and did not scan as such. Thus, the woman threw a fit and decided that she had to get her measly 37 CENT discount. The cashier had to call 3 different "managers" over to fix the problem. By my watch, I had to wait in line for 9 1/2 frigging minutes to buy a birthday card. Afterwards, I tried to brainstorm things that I could buy for 37 cents. So far, I haven't come up with anything. I hope the government somehow manages to raise taxes to the effect that the woman will lose her 37 cents.
My internet homepage is one of those customizable gigs from Google. Everybody should get one of these things, since they are pretty much the greatest thing of all time. Mine tells me useful stuff like the weather, top news stories, and how many days I have left until I graduate. It also contains all my bookmarks, a word (or three) of the day, and a quote of the day. However, the best feature by far is the "How to's" that are posted each day. They come from this thing called Wikihow, which is somehow related to Wikipedia, one of my favorite time-wasters. Anyhow, there was a "how to" on my homepage the other day that really piqued my interest. It's title: "How to defeat a MySpace Addiction." I've been a MySpace user for a number of months now, mostly because I find it humorous to read others' profiles and laugh at them. Wow, that really makes me sound like a bad person. Some of my friends have told me that MySpace is only for emo people, but I don't think that's true. There's also a lot of lesbians, as evidenced by that hottest profile thing they do. According to my less knowledgeable friends, Facebook is the place to be. I have one of those too, but haven't found an article yet on how to defeat my addiction to it. I don't think I'm really addicted though. I usually only check them once or twice a day, and I actually know most of the people I'm friends with. So eat that, you virtual friend community dissenters!
And with that, I'm off to check my email (for the 43rd time today).
Sunday, April 09, 2006
Six Flagsploitation
The physics team, in all of our oh-so-lovable nerdliness, traveled to Six Flags in Atlanta on Friday for "Physics Day." Okay, so it wasn't actually physics day, but we had something important to do at school (intramurals baby) on the actual day, so we had to make up our own. That's just the American way.
I have to say that if some strange alien race came to observe our society, the first place I would take them would be an amusement park, because these places show exactly how our society works.
Marketing is the name of the game at an amusement park, and these guys are simply brilliant. They've now had the foresight to build concession stands in the middle of lines for rides. Unfortunately, the cheapest item for purchase is a 99 cent "cup of cheese," because there really is nothing better for quenching your undying thirst than 3 ounces worth of nachotastic goodness. While we were standing in line, we realized that the roller coaster has to be considered man's greatest achievement. The fact that we have built a machine solely to scare the piss out of ourselves, and that we pay millions of dollars collectively each year to ride it, just speaks volumes about how dumb we really are.
I paid 13 dollars for my lunch. Just re-reading that sentence makes me want to throw-up (which I surprisingly did not do even after riding 6 rides). It was barbecue and it was decent, but it was not worth 13 dollars. This would be an excellent example of a monopoly for our alien visitors, in order that they might prepare themselves for the next time they are forced into upgrading their Windows operating system.
While standing in line for the Batman ride, we experienced what millions of livestock around the world experience near the end of their lives. There must have been at least 500 people crammed into a building, with narrow stalls defining the walking paths. You would have to feel sorry for people subjected to this, except for the fact that we all chose to be there. After seeing this, our alien friends would likely consider us idiots and an easy target for their impending takeover. Still, despite all of this and the fact that water cost 3 frigging dollars, I still enjoyed myself. My logic has officially surrendered.
I found this video a while back at poker night, but never got around to posting it on here. I'm not sure if any of you are familiar with the Isuzu Gemini, a 1980s era crapmobile, but this incredible montage of commercials will make you want one. I'm not kidding. Isuzu Gemini > Your Geo Metro
I have to say that if some strange alien race came to observe our society, the first place I would take them would be an amusement park, because these places show exactly how our society works.
Marketing is the name of the game at an amusement park, and these guys are simply brilliant. They've now had the foresight to build concession stands in the middle of lines for rides. Unfortunately, the cheapest item for purchase is a 99 cent "cup of cheese," because there really is nothing better for quenching your undying thirst than 3 ounces worth of nachotastic goodness. While we were standing in line, we realized that the roller coaster has to be considered man's greatest achievement. The fact that we have built a machine solely to scare the piss out of ourselves, and that we pay millions of dollars collectively each year to ride it, just speaks volumes about how dumb we really are.
I paid 13 dollars for my lunch. Just re-reading that sentence makes me want to throw-up (which I surprisingly did not do even after riding 6 rides). It was barbecue and it was decent, but it was not worth 13 dollars. This would be an excellent example of a monopoly for our alien visitors, in order that they might prepare themselves for the next time they are forced into upgrading their Windows operating system.
While standing in line for the Batman ride, we experienced what millions of livestock around the world experience near the end of their lives. There must have been at least 500 people crammed into a building, with narrow stalls defining the walking paths. You would have to feel sorry for people subjected to this, except for the fact that we all chose to be there. After seeing this, our alien friends would likely consider us idiots and an easy target for their impending takeover. Still, despite all of this and the fact that water cost 3 frigging dollars, I still enjoyed myself. My logic has officially surrendered.
I found this video a while back at poker night, but never got around to posting it on here. I'm not sure if any of you are familiar with the Isuzu Gemini, a 1980s era crapmobile, but this incredible montage of commercials will make you want one. I'm not kidding. Isuzu Gemini > Your Geo Metro
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